I stare out the front door of my two bedroom apartment. It’s 1988. Life is not looking good for me. I was feeling like a failure as a father to my then, 8 year old daughter. The sky looked gray. The leaves on the trees …. Brown.
It wasn’t supposed to look that way ….. or at least that is what I told myself. Life was losing its color for me. The pressures at work, the pressure of being a father, by myself. Feeling like a failure to my broken marriage… STILL … 4 years after the marriage ended. I was dead inside. I wasn’t able to look inward for any strength. All emotional strength was gone. I felt like I was completely broken. With no means to fix my soul.
I stared out across the western sky ….. it was Fall, I do recall noticing a formation of geese in the distant sky. It was a bright spot in my otherwise dismal life. The sun setting ….. gracefully. Leaving a bit of color to rest my heart with. But only as a back drop for this wonderful portrait of life. The formation represented everything that was missing from my life … or so I thought. Togetherness, family, strength, support for each other, compassion, tenacity…. A purpose for the journey. Have you ever felt that way.
I didn’t know about the migratory habits of geese back then. It was years later now. I was living a much different life. Full of friends, family, love, togetherness, stronger emotionally, supportive and being supported, compassion … more than I could have ever imagined. Much different than that vision from my front door, so many years earlier.
My life was enriched and strengthened by my family and friends. I suppose I could have been left behind. Not cared about. Maybe everyone else didn’t like me. Let’s face it, when you’re doing drugs, and not taking good care of your daughter. People can make judgments about you. People can write you off. And some did….. but amazingly, not as many as I would have expected. How come? The lesson comes from our friends, the geese.
Honk, Honk, Honk … the geese fly across the sky with the pure intention of reaching their destination. South in the winter, and north in the summer…. Depending on where your reside. But the geese do it by instinct. There is no feeling, no reasoning; the geese do it because they are supposed to.
As they fly in “V” formation, the leading geese create lift for the geese behind them. To support another member of the team to reach its destination. And should a member of the team fall out of formation due to weakness of strength, injury, or sickness. Two other members of the team will fall out of formation to stay with the disabled member until it either gets well, or dies. And then they will rejoin the team when that time comes.
Anything jump out at you, like it did me? How many times have you been sick. Felt broken, Couldn’t go on. And someone lifted you up ….. became the wind beneath your wings. And you kept up, eventually finding yourself at the point of the “V”. And started living life again.
I am here today, because someone cared enough about me to not hold judgements, or exact revenge toward me because of what I did in the past. I would love to list all of them, but the list would be way too long.
Have you ever fell out of formation? Felt lost? Didn’t deserve to go on? Beaten down by circumstances? Suffered a great human loss in your life? And then your team … your friends, family, and work colleagues dropped out of formation to stay with you until you could get back into formation?
Here is what I find amazing and wonderful, geese just do it out of instinct….We as humans do it too. I think out of instinct as well. But we do it knowing that, even though we got burned at some point or trusted too much. Didn’t feel worthy to help out, or didn’t know how to help and support someone else. Or even had judgments against someone else for what they did that brought them to the circumstance that they are experiencing now. And they are asking for a second chance. Should we leave them behind?
I don’t have your answer for that, I only have mine. I only know this…. That I would not be here…. Breathing that is, had someone not cared enough for me. Made a phone call, stopped by my house to see how I was doing, stood up for me, defended me, stood beside me, not let me beat myself up, hugged me, saw me bigger than I saw myself ….. Or love me, just because we are all humans. They didn’t tell me they cared …. They took the time to SHOW me they cared. And so it goes…….This is a world that I want to live in
I had posted a short movie clip recently on my facebook page. The clip came from the movie “Peaceful Warrior”. Dan Millman was lead up a hill guided by his mentor played by Nick Nolte. Dan believed he would find some wonderful insightful secret to his entire search for wisdom and peace in his life…..
As I watched that clip…. Again! I’ve seen this wonderful movie at least a dozen times. And every time I see witness this film, I seem to pull something new out of it. I would highly recommend anyone to check this movie out if you haven’t already. And if you have … then pull it out, and watch it again. You will be glad you did! I was reminded of a journey that I took years ago ….
This journey was very similar in its simplicity. Climbing a hill, but in this instance … I would be blindfolded with a large group of other likeminded people, who would also be a part of my journey, and I … a part of theirs. Let me set the stage …… We walked up to the staging area…. It was early, on a phenomenally beautiful October morning. The weather was cool, there was due on the grass. You could smell the crisp, clean air as you inhaled deeply; the unknown caused a subtle anticipation in me as I stood in line with my group.
I was noticing how I was watching the other people lining up. Some were excited, some seemed anxious as did I. I began to wonder why I was feeling that way. I saw the blindfolds on the ground. I knew I didn’t like the idea of not seeing where I was walking. And here I was about to take some kind of journey … trip…. or some other kind of excursion.
We were to grab onto the belt loop of the person in front of us and walk forward. As we moved forward, I remember reaching the base of the hill which I had seen in front of me before I place my blind fold on.
This was going to get interesting, I thought. I hope these people know what they are doing … I kept thinking. I could feel the woman behind me breathing on the back of my neck… for some reason it felt very comfortable to me. Knowing that someone else was sharing this journey with me.
I was guided to a rope and I grasped it and moved forward. So, here I am walking up a hill… guided by a rope….. While I slowly ascended up this hill. I had no idea where I was going or where I might end up. But I surely was getting very uncomfortable.
My focus now… was clearly on the one element that would guide me to my predetermined destination. The rope. I climbed up, higher …and then higher still. Uh oh…. A tree … what? A TREE! Why in the world would someone put a tree in front of me? OK, so now I’m getting confused. I am feeling around and can’t feel the rope on the other side of the tree. I am completely stopped now… and can sense that I am holding up the people behind me. Now I am confused, not knowing what to do. Eventually, I did find the rope again and moved forward.
At one point I took a branch right in the crotch. Another obstacle…. I moved on …. At one point, I ran into a fork ….. In the rope (road) . I stopped again. I was really confused …. I followed where I thought I should go. Eventually, I got back on track…..But then a huge occurrence took place. I found another tree…. This time I was unable to find the rope…. Now, I am thinking … is this a trick? Did everyone else find the where the rope started again? I am now feeling really stupid. Let me remind you… I am now on a hill with a pretty steep incline at this point in my journey…. And I am freaked out …. I can’t find it at all. So, I start moving to my right. With my hand feeling in front of me …. To find whatever I can to grab onto …slowly I was walking to a feeling of complete aloneness. When someone came up to me, and whispered to stop. I did. The voice was a wonderful sound at the moment. I have someone else a few seconds later come up to me and whisper in my ear that walking around with a blindfold on the side of a hill ….. Without a rope. Was pretty stupid, wasn’t it ? When I heard that … I realized that I had wandered off the path, and wasn’t sure where I was going.
Eventually I did make it to the destination….. That destination was a blessing… I was feeling pretty beat up emotionally and mentally. The destination … just like in the movie was the top of a mountain. We sat down….. Stayed with our experience….. I thought about all my pratfalls, and set in silence…. Lucky for me everyone was blind folded. Or at least almost everyone.
The sun was coming up over the hills in the east as we removed our blindfolds … it was a beautiful site. It seemed very serene, and comforting to embrace that moment looking out at the valley below. Deep breaths came easily to me at this point. I was at peace…. Or was I?
That was almost 11 years ago that I scaled that hill. The lessons for me are many. Watching everyone else and wondering what they were thinking. I don’t spend as much time paying attention to what others do these days…..
The fork in the rope….. just like in my life…. I stop when there comes a fork in my road. Even still to this day…. I still stop; think about what the ramifications of that decision will be. Sometimes, just like that morning, I still take too long to decide and then move forward … trusting my decision as I do.
Leaving the path, letting go of the rope…. Feeling like I was holding others up. I had to think of them and not regard my safety in doing so…. Others were more important than me. A martyr maybe.
But reaching the top…. I thought the whole reason was to reach the top and find out what awaited me when I arrived. Funny thing though. I was never told that there was anything up there at the top. I just assumed it …. I made it up. The prize was waiting for me at the end of the journey.
Just like Dan Millman , I have come to realize that the destination IS the journey. All of the experiences I had on the way up the hill were metaphors for how I was living my life. Good and bad. The gifts to numerous to count. I noticed much about my journey….. Now, more than ever! Next time you go on a journey, notice whats happening…. There are many lessons to help you to grow as a person.
Of course that journey, is a mini journey, and will compliment your lifelong journey.
I had an opportunity to watch the movie “The pursuit of Happyness” recently. An incredible movie about a man by the name of Chris Gardner, who completely embraced the belief that you can be anything you want. That pursuing happiness is not an option, but mandatory. Having seen this movie before allowed me to look at this showing in a much different way. Let there be no doubt, that this powerful visual essay of a man following one of our most basic human instincts not be overlooked. A man, doing whatever he can with one end result in mind. Peace of mind….
Chris could have given up many times, and from my perspective… I could have completely understood that decision. You just get beat down so badly, you can’t see the light of day. This brings me to what came from the movie for me this time…… Chris’s young son…. Christopher became his anchor his reason to continue on … even when it seemed like there was nothing left in this man’s soul. You wondered when this man would give up. I know I did. And yet, he moved on .. His spirit continued and rose up …… His son Christopher lending lift to his father’s dreams. When Chris looked at his young son and told him to “Never let anybody or anyone tell you can’t have something, not even me “.
That statement led me back to a place in my life when life seemed bleak for me as well. You see, I was a single father raising a 4 year old daughter. And there were some similarities with Chris Gardner. Mostly believing that as a father you do the best you can and persevere. Teaching your children life’s lessons with Love and integrity. Believing that it will truly make a difference in your children’s life. This is where the similarities ended. Although I can remember a time when I told my daughter “to never lie for me, if she did I would break her arm”. In other words …. Be a better human being … it matters.
Anyway , I digress. I was doing drugs and quite honestly I was at the end of my rope. I had lost touch with reality, and to my discredit as a man and father. I let my daughter witness most of it. I was not being the best that I could be. And I knew she knew it. But she always told me she loved me. And I believed her. Often times even when it was obvious that I didn’t love myself. She was the one part of my life that made sense. Even as I continued to destruct in front of her. The pressures of work, an impending custody battle and me believing that someone was trying to kill me because I was paranoid from doing methamphetamine was too much for me handle. I made a decision to let my daughter go live with her Mother. I let her go to save her. I believed I had given her a sound foundation. But she had entered a different phase of her life. School, new friends, new challenges. Her mom was in a relationship. A stabile environment. It was the hardest decision I could ever make. The day that I told her is indelibly seared in my mind. She cried….. I know she thought she had done something wrong. Blaming herself. It killed me, absolutely killed me. I thought I had destroyed my relationship with my daughter. Irreversible damage.
And then a year or so later she moved to Minnesota. Between the age of eleven and Eighteen, I saw her 3 times. Needless to say, not seeing her all those years did not bolster my position as a loving father. I did talk to her on the phone, but I didn’t see her. Years later, we had an opportunity to do some personal growth work together. The same seminar that I had attended. Would now become a place to start over, to renew, forgive and build something new and wonderful. I have never held back how I was feeling with my daughter. Maybe it was weakness on my part. I just always felt that I should be able to share how I was feeling … to a point. It was something I didn’t get from my dad and maybe that’s why I did it that way.
A few years ago, I have found myself being stuck in moving forward in my life. I thought that there were some unresolved issues with my older brother that was keeping me from moving forward. But, the realization was actually that I had a Legacy to leave for my daughter. That what I created in my life could be a negative or positive for my daughter. My daughter is 29 years old now, and we have a wonderful relationship today. I talk to her knowing that I can still influence her. And even more importantly, as I pursue my happiness, I am still a role model for her, and yes, my 5 year old granddaughter. These are the two things that drive me now. I want to be a better father to my daughter. It matters. I want my daughter to know thru my actions that she can have anything she wants, and that she shouldn’t let anyone stop her. There is a picture that makes me cry every time I look at it. Why, because this photo represents all that what I thought was lost, but more thankfully all that I have gained thru my life thru a woman who has supported me thru all the trials, adversity, down times, and yes, the joyful ones too. Today, on Father’s day … I am a grateful father , blessed man. Because my daughter lets me love her, guide her, lead her, and influence her. I am grateful !
